hish!

i am so angry at you. you treat me like a princess one moment, then like a dirt the other. what you think kalau treat baik2 tu boleh cover the dirt ke? sudah la tak boleh express my marah verbally sekarang kat picc, meluap2 panas rasa nak tempik je. orang kacau lagi kiri kanan… aaarrggghhhhhh!!!!

letih nak cover, kena maintain senyum, gelak, borak cam besa. kalau maintain muka marah ni sure org lain boleh perasan something’s wrong. tensen aku.

manusia tak pikir perasaan orang lain, cakap main lepas jek. you’re not always right anyway. bila you tanya soalan, i tengah jawab, yang cut me in the middle pehal? i have no idea how your familiy stands you and your baran.

i’m just soo angry, mad, and freaking upset. and yeah, i know just what you’ll do – you’ll just distant yourself. and everything will be my fault, as always. i tak penah nye betul. like i never made you happy. what a jerk. keep that up, and you’ll end up alone.

aarrrghhh!!!

shit i cant believe i just did tthat.

Any time my little world seems blue. I just have to look at you. And everything seems to be. Some kind of wonderful. I know I can’t express this feeling of tenderness. There’s so much I want to say. But the right words don’t come my way.

I only know when I’m in your embrace. For this world seems a better place. And something happened to me. And it’s some kind of wonderful. And it’s wonderful baby. I understand and it’s some kind of wonderful. And it’s so wonderful baby. You know you’re some kind of wonderful.

So much I want to say.

======================================

Didn’t they always say we were the lucky ones
I guess that we were once, babe, we were once
But luck will leave you cursed, it is a faithless friend
And in the end, when life has got you down
You’ve got someone here that you can wrap your arms around

So hold on to me tight, hold on to me tonight
We are stronger here together than we could ever be alone
So hold on to me, don’t you ever let me go

There’s a thousand ways for things to fall apart
But it’s no ones fault, no it’s not my fault
Maybe all the plans we made might not work out
But I have no doubt, even though it’s hard to see
I’ve got faith in us, and I believe in you and me

So hold on to me tight, hold on, I promise it will be alright
Cuz it’s you and me together and baby all we’ve got is time
So hold on to me, hold on to me tonight

There’s so many dreams that we have given up
Take a look at all we’ve got
And with this kind of love
And what we’ve got here is enough

They always say, we were the lucky ones

Me like u so much!

The sole… hampir tertanggal… uwaa!!

I feel like crying. In this no-man-land here, cobblers are nowhere to be seen….uhuks!

And I have yet to buy that new black heels for work.

It’s not that I’m horrible, I know that I’m a good person. I know I’ve given everything, the best that I could. I hate routines but I’ve picked up things just to fit in. I’ve changed my old habit, painstakingly, and despite its slow progress, I know I’ve changed. But apparently it’s not enough. Is this just my feeling? Am I overreacting??

The truth is I’m so jealous of his friends. He can be brutally honest with them but at the same time they can laugh about it, cracking jokes, having a good time. Sometimes whenever we argue over something, I wish he speaks to me with some respect. I wish that he trust me more so he can accept my simple yet truthful explanation behind everything I did. And I wish he sees how much it hurts when he left me abruptly on the dance floor, with a mouthful of embarrassing remarks along with it, regardless of the reason. And I wish he sees how difficult it is to try smiling after all that just so he can calm down and choose to smile back at me.

I feel so low. Am I that inadequate? Don’t mind me, I’m just a sad girl right now.

Isk.

After a few minutes I couldn’t find anything else to say. This is probably one of the shortest blog post I’ve ever made.

Oh yeah, today is supposed to be Mueh’s konvo day. I’m kinda sad I couldn’t attend.

Grilled chicken & tomato, with mushroom sauce

Fairly easy to do. Normally I take 2 pieces but today I didn’t have lunch so there you go. Wish I had more green vegetables in the fridge – pepper and the like. Besides, I intend to stay up all night tonight to finish up some pending tasks so I need the energy boost.

I didn’t catch any sleep last night, busying myself watching Christina Aguilera’s Back To Basics tour. Whoa some tour! And then I tried installing Gyach. I have it running now but oh my god what an ass that app is. I should submit patches or something.

Tomorrow I’ll have grilled steak, maybe. And at night grilled seafood. Yeah! Ever since my mom bought me that grilling pan the kitchen felt like heaven now. I mentioned to her only once that I had been looking for that pan, when I already had forgotten about it, it’s on my bed one day. Hmm… mothers are timeless! For the record I did make an effort to buy it myself and I didn’t ask her to buy it for me, but every time I found one it’s like RM500 or something. Why in the world people high-price these days.

It’s been so long since I had grilled pineapple. Sweet caramelized pineapple slices, dipped in chocolate sauce… oooohhh…. tomorrow it is!

My mom bought me this bag

Stuff in the bag

In my bag currently:

• 1 little notebook/organizer
• 2 sachets of Nescafe 3 in 1
• my purse
• coin purse
• camera
• a tiny box of Clorets
• 2 pens (black and red)
• couple of movie ticket stubs
• a necklace
• a pair of earings
• a bottle of shower gel (it’s for my mom)
• a pack of plastic bandages (to wrap around my burned finger)
• a lighter
• a RM5 Nando’s voucher (ang pau from Mr. Foong =/)
• 2 movie vouchers
• my namecards
• a couple of membership cards
• 1 tube of vaseline
• my ’skema’ goverment nametag
• 1 pack full of jelly sticks!
• some misplaced coins
• my handphone
• some receipts
• my car keys
• my house keys

and that’s it. Sometimes I even have a book in there. Looking at the list, the most techie stuff I have is my phone haha! Everything else is normal lah for a simple girl.

I just remembered something. I was planning to apply henna last weekend because the one I have is almost gone. I always put it on my left hand. Now that one finger is recuperating on the spot where henna would’ve been applied on, so can’t do. Else there’ll be big black circle on my middle finger, not so nice leh. Problems with henna on right hand is that it attracts people’s attention eaaasily.

I feel sleepy now but have to make up time for some work. I watched tv just now – darn. Damn you magic box. Time stealer.

I’m blogging during working hours. I got this list of pending tasks waiting next. I just solved that tricky join-tables auto-generated-form I-want-it-this-way-not-that-way cakephp thing that had taken me 3 days so chill ok. Give me a break.

For the record, I’m not that tired as described in first paragraph. That’s just for dramatic introduction. :p I’m lucky coz I had a couple of long breaks in the past 6 months. I was just thinking of something. Sometimes I do get tired and pissed but around that time usually I’ll think about what I love most about my job. And believe it or not, this is something I like doing for the rest of my working life. I love coding, I love the problem solving stuff going on it in, I love the discipline of writing codes and above all, I just love the logic. 1 + 1 is always 2. If you say otherwise, you’re insane – go to rehab.

I was thinking about my former workplace – SYABAS. Boy how I loved working there. I joined PUAS just after I graduated. The HR Senior Manager at that time gave me a choice, programmer at HQ or at one of its district branches. Of course I chose HQ, I knew it would cost me more traveling but it would worth it. There I met amazing people. I was quickly assigned a mentor and quickly became part of the team. It was a very friendly and family-like atmosphere, we still keep in touch with each other now. The great team aside, what got me excited, though I never understood it at the beginning until later, was how big the IT potential was in assisting the day to day operations – to supply clean water throughout Selangor & KL, and it was up to us so to speak to automate stuff, make their life easier. When I first got there almost everything was done manually or the technology was outdated. I have to agree part of it was because of limited budget.

The HQ IT department then only consist of 20+ people, app team there with 5 of us. Kak Izan was (still is) the lead. The first thing was to get intranet up – it took a year to get all PUAS staff to get used to it (training, training, training – can’t blame them it’s human nature to forget). En. Suhaimi was (still is) the big boss, he is a man with a vision with so many bright practical ideas. I think within 3 years after SYABAS takeover he went from a senior manager to a general manager and now something higher than a GM. I can safely say whatever IT infrastructure and applications there now came out from him, mostly. All that and he is such a humble person. I have high respect for this man. An open source enthusiast also, if I may add.

The intranet, can you believe it, was developed from scratch. It won a government award for its functionality a year later. When I left in 2006, a module that lets anyone logs in and see their workspace was being developed. If I can remember correctly, user can login and see their upcoming meetings, things need to be approved, private messages, etc. There were independent systems too – telemetry (monitoring water level in reservoirs etc), billing, accounting, HR, customer service. All this was using different technology and we had to get all of them together and integrate. Linda was working with inventory system that should talk to the accounting system to manage in and out/ purchasing of pipes, machinery, trucks, valves etc. Nisa was working with online bulk payment for those company that has branches all over the place and want to monitor transactions of each. This app of course need to talk to accounting also. Husna was working with online submission of new plans for the housing developers for approval. What was done manually that could’ve taken weeks was cut down to a few days. Me? I was kept busy with online mapping, digitizing pipes layout. Such horrid experience. Do you know that back then they didn’t document it properly, everything was inside engineer’s head. There was also some other system being developed at the same time.

I remember the fun when we found local celebrities addresses. And there was this one thing that would blow siren when something was wrong – I forgot what it is. Also the mass sms system just sitting nearby we could but didn’t abuse. We painted the training room on our own – that one is unforgettable haha! We had Nagios to monitor the connections to our district offices on suspended monitor so we all could see (this simple solution saved us alot of time investigating when something happened).

They have come a long way since then. Numbers of people has grown I think. I don’t know how it is doing now anyway. Back then, there was already so many systems but how did we handle it? By documentations. I was told to follow the ERD, the flowcharts and the wireframes established beforehand. This way it’s kinda easy to know where to plug a new system to an old one. New people coming in also can just have a look at that and can catch up pretty fast from there. Any probable amendments, talk to Kak Izan first. Now she is such an open person and smart. Also she knows how to talk and reason. She gave me a good lesson in database design while I was there. She has earned my respect so long ago, together with Nisa, Husna and Linda.

In the end all this word of love and hurrah, so why did I left? I couldn’t stand the shitty pay and discrimination by the very upper management.

Oh and if you’re curious, new systems then were developed using PHP and MySQL. There was also various technology involved at that time at system integration level: Oracle, Sun, SQL Server, PostgreSQL, ASP.

Alien's note

2. KSN’s new system is applying FOSSchix.my’s theme. OMFG. Why can’t it use default Plone theme, change the base color to purple or something.

3. Hey we got sijil penghargaan for sumbangan melaksanakan projek inovasi MyMeeting, with my name incorrectly spelled on it.