Time management – how important it is to me now.

I need a hair cut.

I have this one thing about me that bothers me alot. Sometimes it can a be a nuisance, but probably a virtue in some other different circumstances. But still it bothers me. I can be very direct with my words. Now, old friends know this very well and they put up with me everytime (I hope), which I’m very grateful for. New friends on the other hand are very hard to tackle. Usually I end up being quiet as to restrain myself from saying stuff that might hurt other people’s feelings. Or sometimes, the words escape my mouth halfway but then I stop and making up other words to finish the sentence that don’t make sense and I get these faces staring back at me. To make things worse is my natural tone of voice. If I don’t hold eye contact while conversing I swear the person I talk to would think I was mad at them for something. But like I said before, this isn’t the case with old friends.

Ok now I sound like I scold people for a living… heh!

If you’re suppose to do a presentation, why would you ask someone else to prepare the slides for you? You’re the big boss and because of that you’re being kept busy all the time (which is fine), but since you’re up there I assume you’re good at managing your resources. You’re at managerial level for crying out loud.

I don’t understand, don’t you feel incompetent now that you have to rely on your staff to save your life? Don’t you care enough to get to know the subject you’re going to present to do the slides yourself?

I had to do notes for the slides you’re going to present. I was so dumbfounded at first as why would you need notes when the slides are full of text you can just read off them. I thought you need some guidance on technical aspects of it, and I had no problem with that, I can try to help out whenever I can. After all, you’re like my boss anyway and some notes should do it. But suddenly I found out from my actual boss that you need a speech text for your slides. WTF?

You’re going to read for a presentation??

For someone who’s from MAMPU, it’s a laughing matter. Some people would just roll their eyes in disbelief. Doing slides for them is no longer taboo actually, but speech-like notes? Knocked me off my feet, in a very bad way.

And since such a long time I want to blog about this: there are so many ranks in the public sector that I think they all are doing the same job, it’s just a matter who gets the respect, the red carpet and all the glory. This is where open source community stands out, the right people who actually do the work gets the credit. Not some people sitting comfortably in a big room waiting for their asses to be served.

Maybe I should just post pointless pics and brag. I guess the people who know me better through here, it’s the end of it people. You may catch the glimpse in ever shady words I’m going to use from this point on but sorry, that’s the best I can give right now.

The days where I speak up without borders and beyond reason is ending. You people should know by now that I can easily get misunderstood. Take a look at my face for an example. My default face looks like I’m having the most complex programming problems in the world but what is going on in my head and what is reflected on my face may not the same thing. I may be trying to get some cover from the sun and some would think I just had a heart attack. Another example is my tone of voice – I can be easily taken as being mad. So my writing here can cause so much more damage than I ever intend it to be. Maybe I’m not good with arranging words, maybe I’m just plain direct in writing. Maybe I’m just problematic in getting my message across.

But, who the hell cares.

So I take my words back and let’s party on. *lap dance*

And now I have a cough and I strongly believe I got it from my dear housemates (lalalala). And it doesn’t come alone does it. Along with it, come flu and fever. Now that fever has been taken care of, I’m left with flu and cough. Luckily it’s not as bad as Brunei but nevertheless it’s annoying. Having liquid in my nose is never a comfortable thing, and it has become a very efficient dust radar. I sneeze everytime I’m near it. It’s tiring ler. Not to mention every morning I wake up with throat so sore I’m afraid to speak.

You know, when I was a teenager it wasn’t that easy for me to get sick. But when I got sick it sure be a bad one. Why is it that when I was younger I only got sick like once or twice a year but when I’m all grown up possibility of getting a fever is next to getting my car serviced every 3 month period! Is it because I’m getting older? Aiya I’m still young lah.

Makes me wonder how is it going to be when I’m 30. Hmm…

Did I hurt his feelings? Maybe, yes. Did he hurt mine? Yes. Even now he is doing it. I’m starting to think he’s accustomed to get things the way he wants it. When things don’t go his way, he starts to threaten and intimidate. Baby, that’s just not the way for me.

Listen to me, look around you. Look at me. Haven’t you realized it yet I was being polite through most of our time together? Couldn’t you see it? I can’t love you that much no matter how much I tried.

And now what is this you’re doing to me? Is this a game to you? If it is, then you’ve won. Take it. If you want me to feel bad for leaving you, then feel better because yes I felt bad. I don’t want to fight you. Go away and be happy, just let me be.

Right now you’re just being mean. What I ever did to you?

Mr. KT: hye Nuha. lama tak jumpa.
me: ye
Mr. KT: bz ke. tido kul berapa?
me: tdo kul 12
Mr. KT: macam boring je. dah nak tido ke?
me: tgh buat keje sket. esok kena buat keje lain pulak.
Mr. KT: Nuha macam mana skang? masih slim ke dah berisi?
me: skang dah gemok. ada la 3x ganda
Mr. KT: he he takpe KT tak kisah pun Nuha sekarang macam mana. jom jumpa

Sounds soooo wrong. Came out from the wrong man. Urggh! Everything about it just so wrong. He even spelled my name wrong. Wrong wrong wrong.

*sigh*

I’ve been hoping for another man to say those things to me. Tough luck. Ya ya we can’t get everything we want all the time but it’s not like I want things every other day. Sad isn’t it, sometimes the only thing we want most is the one that’s the most far fetched.

Then again, what we want and what we need is probably two different things entirely.

Well — it’s not like I want things every other damn day!

Hurts.

“Kaklong kenapa muka macam ada problem je?”

“Semalam cuti kenapa?”

All questions went unanswered. I just stared at the tv. I guess when my mind is so occupied I can shut it down from the world just like that.

I knew that last night while having dinner, she was giving away all signals to abah, poking and eye balling, about me being so quiet and eating so little. She wasn’t that subtle, I could see from the corner of my eyes. But I couldn’t care less – my head was heavier with all other stuff I had to think of.

Today when I got home, abah gave me a peck and I found a new blouse on my bed – made me smile instantly but somehow with a heavy heart.

When I think about it, the last time I felt this low was when I was just out of uni and anxious of being jobless. It’s the same feeling, no mistake about it at all. I guess I can’t stand the idea of not earning anything. My job defines me, without it I’m quite dull. Half of me is made of my job.

The other half, well, he’s around.

But anyways.
.
.

The bathroom needs to be scrubbed all over. The whole room needs to be swept clean. Everything must be vacuumed – there’s a family of spiders breeding on top of my cupboard already. The bedsheet needs a change. My 2 bakul of freshly laundered baju needs to be folded and put away.

Or maybe I just let them rot as they’re successfully doing now.

I feel this time of year is the worst time for me so far. The lowest point of the year July – September. I don’t know why. I had more fever compared to last year and the year before and the year before that combined, coupled with muscle sprained. I’m having problems with work, I’ve been facing difficulties to work peacefully. Something is wrong with my nose now, it’s bleeding from inside sometimes, and it’s never dry these days it feels like I’ll have flu forever. I have a very low self esteem right now I don’t know how I get through the day without going crazy. I’m so vulnerable to the point where I think anyone can take advantage of me anytime they want. My head feels heavy. I have so much to think. And I am broke.

Something is going on inside my head. It’s not at rest. I am not calm. I feel incomplete and incapable. Do you know that feeling when you’re trying to understand something but it kinda eludes you in some mystical ways? Even the simplest thing you can’t get hold of. It only comes to you later after everything has happened and you lost something along the way.

Oh I’m never gonna get this right am I.

[1] Tadak sore. I’ve been giving lectures to my fellow anak murid from all district regarding the new system. 9 to 5 straight mannn… break only on lunch but it was cold drink that was going through my trachea. Knew drinking warm plain water wouldn’t help anyway so what the heck. If it’s bad, make it worse. It might just work for you.

[2] You know that invisible bugs that walking on dirty and old bedsheets and totos?? Aaaargghhhh they have strike again. Last time it was my legs. Now they’re attacking my arms and neck. What laaa… gatal siut… dahla nampak kesan merah pehtu tinggal scar plak. Cukup la kaki menjadi mangsa. Ini sume gara-gara toto tu! Tak moh guna dah! Only one night and the consequences are all too painful to bare… ceewah cam drama plak. Tapi gatal laaaa… takleh sentuh langsung nanti merenyam2 rasa

[3] My indian neighbour, I’m calling her auntie Jayanti from now on lah, so auntie Jaya told mak a story about the taman we’re residing. Turned out there was a murder in a house like 2 blocks away from ours. But it’s on the other end of the road lah, sib baik tak dekat. 1 block ada dalam like 20 houses so kira jauh gaklah. That house is for sell for less than half of its price = RM50k. Like, whoa. Single storey 3 bedroom terrace house ler… The reason: Some guy rented the place lah, and then someday they kidnapped a girl and asked the family for a ransom RM 1mil but the parents thought it was a joke so they ignored it. Finally they smashed the girl’s head and dug an 8 feet hole. They dumped the girl there, unconcious but probably still alive and buried here. Some time later only the police caught the people who did it. It was her boyfriend. Creepy. Auntie Jaya said there were news all over the paper tapi tak penah nampak pon. Mungkin tak prasan… Anyway it gives me creeps anytime I’m driving along that road… eeeiiii

That’s all I can think of at the moment. As I said I’m in hurry. So I typed whatever came to my head. Gosh I have an appoinment!