I can’t wait to get today over with. When the clock strucks 12am, the pain will suddenly stop. Funny lah this biological thing. And it differs from a person to the other. I’m lucky I only have to face this one day from the rest of the period week. Some people can’t even walk and for some, they have to endure for more than 1 day. So you see, an MC per month is quite reasonable don’t you think. Heh!

Anyway, had quite a talk with Ganee yesterday. He’s asked me to give it another thought. I felt so happy when he said that I don’t know why. Maybe because some of the things he said – I feel my work and my presence here is being recognized. It’s like your feelings is being validated if you know what I mean lah. I know we’re all appreciated here but listening to your manager firsthand saying it to you – it is a different experience, entirely.

Different enough to make you rethink your decision.

Ni tak puas ati ni. I don’t like people intruding my payslips ok. I prefer setting up my own standing instructions online (like I do now) where I can see the transaction details anytime I want. Or cancel anything in an instant. That way I feel I’m in control of my own money. Of course I’m not going to cancel my monthly PTPTN contributions – I have a right mind. But look at what you self centered jerks have done to my life. And I’m not going to be nice about it now.

As far as I know, if you can afford to your ciggie packs or new set of cosmetics every other week, you sure can afford to pay back your loan. How hard can it be? My money rule is simple, you set aside an amount for your parents. Then with the balance you pay all you bills due lah including your PTPTN. After that take some for your savings. The balance, do whatever you like lah.

What you think you can run away from paying bills ke? You think one day it’s just going to magically dissappear and you can enjoy everything free? Hello la brader wake up. There’s no way you can run away from your responsibilities. Sikit punya baik govemen tolong you earn your degree, and now you’re earning good money, is being grateful so hard to do? If you’re muslims and not paying back – what a shame. Ingat la skettt even orang mati syahid pun tak lepas kalau hutang tak abes bayar wehh.

I’m not trying to potray myself in a good light here. I’m just so angry with these people, who has no virtue at all. One thing is if you don’t pay, the amount will add up la because of the monthly interest. Second thing is, one of the reason they’re stopping to convert loans to scholarships for top scorers is because you meat heads won’t pay back. Ape jenis hati you people posses hah? Di buatnya someday your kids tak dapat loan and you don’t have money to send them to university, hah time tu baru nak melompat.

And then there’s these people who live a lifestyle far more extravagant than what they can afford. Stop living in fantasy lah, step up and stop acting like a spoilt teenager. Do you really need that sport rim? Do you really need that extra heels? Do you really need to expand your already big wardrobe? Bayar loan dulu. Kalau ada duit lebih, aa suka ati la nak wardrobe besar mana pun.

Hisyyy!

Like I said I don’t like people intruding my payslips. In 2010 I may have to oblige. Kalau ye pun takde duit, susah sangat ke nak bayar at least RM50 tiap bulan. At least bayar tiap bulan whatever the amount. Don’t give me that takde duit talk ok. Excuses. Excuses. Excuses. Where there is a will, there is a way.

Stupid sismi. Lalalalala. My car is officially dirty for 3 weeks now. What a sense of accomplishment I’m telling you. I think I’ll wash it tomorrow but only god knows when sismi is going to ever end. One damned project I tell you. The big heads don’t know how to manage, now we’re on the other end receiving all the blame. Well excuse me if I’m all hatred-y, get a mirror, and see what’s been sticking in and out your ass.

Huh.

I don’t see myself being up from this chair tonight all the way till morning. I’ve been here since last night. And at 8am I have to be online to do some testing on TN server relocation. Aiyoh. Sudahlah satu assistant ditarik semula ke Mofaz, I have to do everything on my own now. The deadline is actually today but who cares anymore. With the stupid line being so unbelievablye freakin slow. Slower than anything that has ever existed on this planet. I could take a nap inbetween page load. Stupid website making my hair all oily. This is all so stupid. Terasa seperti berada di zaman purba where people still use kapur to write on cave walls ok. Or I could have finished it all by now and help Adda out dammit.

On a bright note, I think my kidney is ok. It has been really good, showing no sign of stress at all even though I’m all under that pile of work.

I found out today that I can be irritating if I truly lack some sleep. I didn’t think much before speaking up. Walking around like zombie, forcing food into your mouth just because I felt too tired to chew anything. Let alone swallow. Was pushing any strength I had today at work just to look at the screen. With eyelids half open like that I’m not sure what kept me going.

Was about going to bed when Joe called. This guy is really something. He’s not actually what I expected. Well I’m not saying anything right now coz I know it’s not going to be easy. Why can’t I have kindhearted mautured malaysian man to talk to everyday??? I wonder. It’d be sooo much easier, with the talking, coming from the same roots. Easier to get the approval nods too from mak and abah. But then again I know I’m wasting time writing about this here coz I know there’ll be no man will answer to my plead. Oh well. Some country.

I don’t know why is this happening to me, of all of other girls. I wasn’t really looking, you know. But maybe you can say some things come to you when you least expecting it. I’m really taken aback by this I can tell you that much. Now I wish I have a normal relationship with a normal malaysian man just for the sake of not making things complicated….

Anyway, I’m going to Redang tomorrow night. Now we’re talking. Wooohooo!!!!!

In the mooooodsss of pixxxx people.

The men in my life.

Ammar with mak + abah after Hari Kecemerlangan

Awww…

Tok Penang yang comeyyy

Dah besar pun still bawah ketiak mak… alahai kalau dah bongsu tuuu…

Tahan senyum ke???

Thank goodness I don’t have to come to the office for work for a week. Lots of self adjustments waiting in line. Time to wake up and get dressed for instance. And I have to be mentally prepared again to be working late hours in the office. There’s insane pressure to face.

This is true. No matter how bad Brunei is, it’s still very laid back kind of work environment we had there. While I was here prior to Brunei, I was given task this and that to complete. I remember I was more like a living skeleton than a human being. So you know how deflated I am at the thought of starting over. But then again, it’s my choice from the beginning. I just have to get on with it. Afterall, what are we if not choices we made in life.

Okay. I’m actually fighting my heavy lids right now. Oh I was just thinking of something when I’m writing this. You know, if a doctor says he’s busy and doesn’t have a life, you can relate and understand why. But when a developer says he’s busy and doesn’t have a life, you get all sceptical and critical. Why is that? While a doctor saves lives, a developer makes life so much easier. Sometimes they even saves lives too. In different context of course but who can deny it if I am to mean it literally.

??

Anyway, I’m just perplexing my brain tissues. Lots of things to get over with. Tea please! Black. Extra sugar. On the double!

Kak Liza had an invitation to a wedding reception. Adda and Siti followed but I chose to stay in. Besa la kalau that time of the month, konfem mesti the cramp tunjuk belang nye lah. Can’t really move or sit comfortably. Yang tensen tu sampai berpeluh sebab tahan sakit even I’m in air conditioned room. I need constantly to keep my hand warm and put it on my stomach. I think it’s just psycho tapi it gives me the feeling of warmth. Hey whatever works, I’m just going to do it. The cramp last for a day. What else can I do (say no to the pink pills).

They’re out again for dinner. I can move comfortably now but I don’t think I’ll be comfortable being dressed up, far from the comfort of home (and bed). And my newly acquired bantal kecik.

Thinking of going to bed early but we’ll see.

For some people PMS continues until the end of the mensus. Me, only the first few days with the first being the most difficult. I groan during these days.

With time, it has become the most awaited period every month! It’s when I can act like a true venusian. It is then when I can yell and scream and be grumpy (read between the lines: bitch… ahahaha… almost, since I’m nice) and spoil myself without guilt. It is then when I’m tender the most, more sensitive to my surroundings. It’s then when I can be selfish, mostly tending only to myself. It’s then I blush most of the time. It’s then I feel delicate, almost vulnerable. It’s then when I appreciate the comfort of my bed the most, massaging my backbone continuously at night. It’s then when I bloom.

It is special to me since it’s a woman-only thing. The package comes with pain and all but there’s something about it that other people would never get. Something about waking up in the morning, getting dressed, driving to work, interacting with people, going back home, getting ready for bed. It’s the same thing everyday but only during this time it feels a little different. It is such a sensuous experience.